i just want to be happy

I don't want to write on this stupid blog, and that's been my attitude all week. Everything feels the same, I have nothing to write about, and yet so much to write about that it's overwhelming. So we'll see where this goes...

I met with my Community Mental Health Worker (or therapist) at the start of the week, and I really connected with her. My previous experience with a different therapist last year was not extremely helpful... I was taught how to practice CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which is a very worksheet driven form of therapy that teaches you to control your THOUGHTS so you can control the way you FEEL. It may have been helpful in the start, but didn't work so well in the end. More about that another time..... But my NEW therapist is much more RELATIONAL and counselling based. She wants to help me work on areas where I am suffering, and teach me DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). Now I don't know much about it, but from what she was saying, it sounds SO up my alley. Basically it is a way of learning to regulate my emotions with techniques or distress tolerance practices. It derives from Buddhist meditative practices, and they key component to DBT is mindfulness. It will help me to pay attention, non-judgmentally, to the present moment; about living in the moment, experiencing one's emotions and senses fully, yet with perspective. Read more about it here.

Ryan and I also had our second counselling session this week, which was exhausting, yet extremely helpful. Our counsellor suggested we have plans in place for all our gatherings this week, to help things go as smoothly as possible. I was feeling really stressed and overwhelmed about this upcoming week, but now that we have a plan in place I feel more relaxed. I can only be with people for a certain amount of time before I start to get triggered left right and centre and just need to get out. But that's not always possible in a gathering, and it's hard to communicate to Ryan when there are people everywhere. So we have planned how we are going to communicate, when, and what will happen if I need a break (like taking a nap, or a rest in a private bedroom), and then also how we will de-stimulate and connect after a  stressful event like a gathering (like coming home, putting on pj's, hot chocolate, popcorn and a movie).

This evening I also just started feeling pressure with the overwhelming desire to be HAPPY at Christmas. I don't want to ruin any of Christmas gatherings with an episode or being sad. I am honestly scared, terrified even, that I won't be able to stop myself from having an episode at any of these Christmas get togethers. I am nervous. I just want to be happy.

best weekend

This past weekend, my dear dear friends Kyle and Joeline came to visit me, all the way from Saskatoon!

I cannot even say how much it meant for me to have them come out.

They brought peace, joy, and love into our home and into my spirit. It was a relaxing, enjoyable weekend where I could actually feel somewhat "normal" and healthy. *sigh* I wish they didn't have to leave, but will hold onto the memories we made for a long time. 

Kyle has been one of my BEST friends since we met at Bethany 6 years ago! Even though we've been in separate provinces for 4 years, he remains one of my favourite people on the planet!!! The most loving, sincere, genuine, fun loving, humorous person. 

I also met Joeline at Bethany 6 years ago. In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with depression Joeline took me under her wing and cared for me. To this day, whenever I think about what it means to be supported in my illness, I think of how Joeline loved me. She would let me sleep in her room every night when I couldn't be alone, she would listen to me while i vented out all my pain. I did not feel like a burden to her, she treated me like a real person, not like a charity case. She managed to bring LIGHT and HOPE into my darkness through laughter and prayer and real life daily experiences. I love her to death, and will forever be thankful for what she did for me. 

So yes, I love them both extremely much.

I am so sad to see them go, but hopefully we will go see them SOON!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

sobbing with me

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly" Matthew 11:28-30

 I feel like I've been doing so much mental/emotional/spiritual work lately. For the past few days I've been fighting a battle from morning till night working to avoid an episode, working to get better, working to be healthy, working on my marriage. And it's exhausting. Dar challenged me yesterday to invite Jesus into the work. The verse above is from The Message, but in other versions it says "My yolk is easy and my burden is light". She explained to me that the word "yolk" actually refers to that metal brace that goes on an ox to plow a field or something. Jesus is saying that with him, the work is easy. It doesn't feel heavy or ill-fitting. 

The past few days have been R.O.U.G.H. Last night was dark, very dark. My parents had to come over and calm me down and take care of me. And then today there were some errands that I had to run, and I was trying to prep my mind all morning to go out of the house. But I was afraid. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and didn't want to start crying in public. I didn't have the strength to go to IGA. But I did. And it was ugly. I was in IGA and felt so disorientated. My anxiety was so high, I had to lean on the shopping cart so that I wouldn't fall over. I was overwhelmed with all the options of apples and baking supplies. I forgot where the eggs were, I couldn't find the damn eggs! When I got to my car, I just broke down and started having a panic attack. Luckily my dad has just texted me, so I thought of calling him for help. He came, drove me home, brought my groceries inside and comforted me until I calmed down. 

What.The.Heck?!

THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING ANYMORE! GAH!

BUT....

I did get a call from a doctor last evening that apparently my last blood test showed that my lithium levels WENT DOWN instead of up. With lithium, there has to be a specific amount of it in your blood for it to effective. It's not even close to being effective now, so it's like I'm not on any medication for my bipolar right now! I was so discouraged to hear this, because now I have to wait even longer for my new higher dosage of lithium to kick in and start HELPING ME!

Last night when things were so dark, my mom ran me a bath and I was laying in the tub and was just so sad, I couldn't stop sobbing, and so I asked Jesus "Where are you? Where are you right now?" and I saw Him with his arms wrapped around me, sobbing with me. 

the light shines in the darkness

Is anybody getting tired of reading this blog already? Don't you feel like you just want the story to have a happy ending? I do.

My days are super up and down right now. They are half filled with many good moments, and then topped off with many bad moments. It's such a balancing act all the time. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells in my own skin, trying to stay clear of anything that might trigger me. But that's impossible!

Sunday night after Branches, I came home and suddenly felt so overwhelmed at my busy week ahead, and so irritated that the house was messy, that it led me into darkness. I felt emotionally paralyzed, like this bad spell was coming over me and I couldn't do anything about it. Mental illness is freaking scary! It is TERRIFYING to feel like you have lost control over your mind.

In church, Darlene was speaking about how we just want everything to be honkey dorey perfect and happy at Christmas time (dancing around the tinsel tree, ha!), but how we really need to be able to sit in the darkness. I was trying to find the verse she used, and came across John 1:5...

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it"

Turns out she was actually using a verse from Isaiah 9...

The people walking in darkness

    have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of deep darkness

    a light has dawned.

³ 

You have enlarged the nation

    and increased their joy;

they rejoice before you

    as people rejoice at the harvest,

as warriors rejoice

    when dividing the plunder.

Now my memory and concentration are terrible lately, thanks to my new meds, but I remember Darlene emphasizing how GOOD it is to be in the darkness. I remember thinking about all this darkness in my life these past months and thinking "I am so blessed, I am so blessed, I am so blessed". It is ONLY through Christ in which I can say and even believe in my heart that this is true. 

Yesterday I had my final appointment at Eden, and am now officially discharged. I have mixed emotions about it. I am glad and thankful to be able to be in my home, but I am nervous/scared/uncertain about what it will be like to adjust to living at home. What will life look like now? How will my life change? What do I need to do to avoid relapse? etc etc etc.

I did make a very very hard decision though last night, and decided to step down from being in the Christmas Play. Augh! I had been looking forward to this play for sooooo long, I am so disappointed that my health is getting in the way of me being involved. It was just too overwhelming and stressful. My body needs to rest. I was also hosting a Christmas party on Friday, which I also cancelled because I can't be in a big group of people for very long. 

My heart is sad that I have to cancel such things, but I'm learning how to take better care of myself, and realizing what I can and cannot do. 

Ryan and I also had our first marriage counselling appt today and I'm really happy with how it went. We had a good connection with our counsellor, and he seems excited to help us journey through this marriage and bipolar bit. 

These are all steps to recovery, and what my  next while will look like, lots of self care, self work, couple work, etc. 

Thanks for journeying with me,

R

lifestyle changes

Hopefully after this weekend I'll be discharged from Eden. Hopefully.

Today has been hard. I didn't DO anything. I thought a day of resting would be good because I've been so tired lately, but it's been more depressing than anything else. Ryan is working A LOT (like from 8am -10pm), so I'm home alone all day. It kinda blows. 

As the evening progressed, I started to get more and more depressed. I have this basket in my room where I keep all my old meds that I'm no longer on. So I went up to my room, grabbed all the bottles of old meds (probably like 5 bottles filled with a variety of pills, dating back to 2010!), looked at them, held them in my hands, and then flushed them all down the toilet. I wasn't feeling suicidal at that moment, but I knew I needed to get rid of those pills. I've kept holding onto them just in case I wanted to end my life one day, that sounds super morbid, but it's the truth. They were like a safety net for me. So I got rid of them. 

I'm going to need to make some major lifestyle changes. No more days doing nothing and being alone for the entire day. No more drinking alcohol when I'm alone. Enforcing a very strict bedtime etc etc. Now I'm starting to get worried about all of next week, having to keep myself busy with non stressful events and people I feel comfortable with. Although I was diagnosed with bipolar 1.5 years ago, I feel like it's all new and I have so much to adjust to. I feel like my whole life has to change, and that overwhelms me, having to revamp almost every area of my life. One day at a time I guess. One day at a time.

my nose is cute.

i have split personalities.

i have two mouths, but one pair of eyes.

my nose is cute.

Yeah, my nose is still cute.

librarian.

my eyes are nice.

A couple times a day I do this relaxation video, and wanted to see what I looked like when I was doing it.... Didn't plan on showing this, but heck, its funny I thought...

listening prayer

A lot of you have been asking for more details about my listening prayer time, so I thought I'd highlight for you some key things that arose during that time...

-I saw the word "constant". Jesus said His love and Presence is constant.

-Jesus led me to a wheat field. It was warm outside and there was a cool breeze, it was quiet and vast. I was standing slightly inside the field, but mainly on the outer edge. I felt Jesus in the air around me. As I breathed in the air I felt Jesus filling my bloodstream, it felt tingly, like medicine. This was interesting, because the lithium medication I'm on can be measured to see if it's effective by how much is in my blood. 

-Then I heard Jesus say "I'm in it" and we asked Him what that meant. He said "I'm in ALL of it" and I got a picture of Him in every part of my bloodstream. That's how close He is.

-After asking Jesus more questions, I was brought back to the wheat field from the start, but it was different this time. It was still, nothing was moving around from the wind like before, and the sun was setting (I JUST REALIZED... a mantra I've been meditating on for the past 2 days is 'the sun must set to rise'..... AND, the connection of the sunset image to my painting that I did a few weeks back.... just realized that now.... goosebumps). ANYWAYS.... I then I felt eager to go into the middle of the field, so I did, and I lay down. All my eyes could see was wheat surrounding me, and then the open sky above me. There was a circle on top of my vision circling the wheat, and another circle on top of my vision circling the sky. Two circles, one inside the other. I was represented by the larger circle that was in the wheat. God showed me that the wheat is the harvest; it has to bloom and die again and again. The circle in the sky represented God. God is like the sky, always constant, always there. 

-Lastly, I had some imagery of a box that was labeled 'fear'. God stomped on my box of fear, but after He stomped on the box, it didn't look all crumpled and damaged, instead it looked like a completely new, unfolded box (like those boxes you fold together for Operation Christmas Child or something) He turned my fear into something that is useful. This new box was labeled "gift", but it wasn't for me. I felt like I was supposed to give this gift to other people. A box full of ribboned bows. I felt excited because I actually had something to give when I felt so depleted. 

Wow, I was just re reading this now, and it's amazing how much MORE this means to me now. I can see so many connections to other parts of my life, that I now see are actually connected to this prayer time.....  

guilt.... be gentle. it is a process.

Today I am struggling with guilt.

I feel guilty for asking for support in my previous post.

I feel guilty for being a burden on my friends and family.

I feel guilty for having bipolar and putting my husband through such shit.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty! AH it's such a vacuum!

I haven't been taking much action to counteract this guilt, because I am tired. I am so so tired. Not just physically but emotionally. This driving back and forth from Eden every day thing is tiring. I'm tired of all the emotional/mental work that I've done these past 2 weeks. I just need a good rest, to relax.

On Saturday morning, when I arrived home for the first time, I received an e mail from my dear lovely friend Bev. At the end of the email she wrote "Be gentle with yourselves and your family today, no matter what happens... it is a process". Those words have been a blanket of peace over Ryan and I. I think it will be a mantra for us to live by for the next while.... be gentle. it is a process.

p.s. if you are feeling like this blog would be beneficial for you to share with someone else, please do. I have lifted up the privacy settings, so anyone can access it now.

paradise

Friends and family,

Big news coming to you today! This week I have an evening/overnight pass every day. Which means I'll be going to Eden every morning for programming, meeting with my psychiatrist and doing groups/therapy etc, but then get to come home once that's done (around 3). We all feel it'll be good to see how I'm ACTUALLY doing in my "natural environment", exposes to the usual triggers and stressors. I am excited, nervous, relieved, scared, and curious about what's to come.
I am on the road to recovery, but it is far from over. 

Not sure if I used this analogy yet or not but it's something my psychiatrist told me. Say you get a hip surgery. Once you go home from having that surgery, you go home to recover. You don't go home %100 better, and you have to be patient and allow time for your scars to heal. Similarly for me, I'm not %100 better, I don't even know if i'm %75 better, but that all takes time. As I begin this journey to be discharged from hospital, I do ask for your continued support (visiting, meals, prayer etc). Part of me feels like the hard work is going to come now. I've had a pretty 'easy' go in Eden, but now I need to implement what I've learned, and come back to real world. 

I've talked to a lot of you about what a support system would look like when I get discharged from hospital, and it's starting to be the time for that to happen I guess. My nurses and psychiatrist always comment on how much support I have, and how they've never seen such a community gather around someone. ISN'T THAT COOL?!?!

I am seriously sooooo blessed (and ryan too!) by everything everyone has done for us. That is really what is making this time in hospital so much easier. I have support. I know what support looks like now. I know what support means now. I am supported. I have support. I am crying, haha.

Today on my way home from Eden, I had the song "Paradise" by Coldplay CRANKED in the car and it was awesome! I started listening to the words, and with tears streaming down my face, I connected so well the words.....

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear,a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.
And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh
She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said
I know the sun must set to rise.

hobble around the house

So I know you're all itching to hear how the weekend went, but I'm not sure what to say really. It wasn't wonderful, but it wasn't terrible. I had a very structured and strategic weekend planned out, so that probably helped, but it wasn't like what I had pictured in my head.
I ended up having to fake a lot of happiness, which is super energy draining.
Why do I feel like I need to fake happiness?
When people come visit me at Eden, I know I can just BE. I don't feel like I have to come across one certain way, and people are able to CONNECT that I may seem sad or cry because I'm in the hospital. It's clear that I have bipolar and that's why Im sad. But when I'm visiting at someone's house, or having people over, there is a DISCONNECT because they're not seeing me in the hospital and they forget what I'm dealing with. I think people want to see me happy and cheerful. If I were to just BE the way I was feeling, it would be awkward. You don't just go to someone's house and be all sad and "down". So I fake being happy. Sometimes. Not all the time.
It's like if I had a broken leg, would I try to pretend that it's not broken and hobble around the house? Why would I do that? That's stupid. Mental health is so confusing that way. Why do I feel like I need to "hobble around the house" pretending I'm not experiencing what I'm experiencing.
The ironic thing is... that when people come visit me at Eden and I feel comfortable enough to show my sadness, I end up experiencing the most genuine JOY. And when I'm home, trying to be happy for other people, I end up experiencing the most SADNESS.
Can I be REAL in front of you? Even if it's awkward? Even if it's not "pretty"?