the light shines in the darkness

Is anybody getting tired of reading this blog already? Don't you feel like you just want the story to have a happy ending? I do.

My days are super up and down right now. They are half filled with many good moments, and then topped off with many bad moments. It's such a balancing act all the time. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells in my own skin, trying to stay clear of anything that might trigger me. But that's impossible!

Sunday night after Branches, I came home and suddenly felt so overwhelmed at my busy week ahead, and so irritated that the house was messy, that it led me into darkness. I felt emotionally paralyzed, like this bad spell was coming over me and I couldn't do anything about it. Mental illness is freaking scary! It is TERRIFYING to feel like you have lost control over your mind.

In church, Darlene was speaking about how we just want everything to be honkey dorey perfect and happy at Christmas time (dancing around the tinsel tree, ha!), but how we really need to be able to sit in the darkness. I was trying to find the verse she used, and came across John 1:5...

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it"

Turns out she was actually using a verse from Isaiah 9...

The people walking in darkness

    have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of deep darkness

    a light has dawned.

³ 

You have enlarged the nation

    and increased their joy;

they rejoice before you

    as people rejoice at the harvest,

as warriors rejoice

    when dividing the plunder.

Now my memory and concentration are terrible lately, thanks to my new meds, but I remember Darlene emphasizing how GOOD it is to be in the darkness. I remember thinking about all this darkness in my life these past months and thinking "I am so blessed, I am so blessed, I am so blessed". It is ONLY through Christ in which I can say and even believe in my heart that this is true. 

Yesterday I had my final appointment at Eden, and am now officially discharged. I have mixed emotions about it. I am glad and thankful to be able to be in my home, but I am nervous/scared/uncertain about what it will be like to adjust to living at home. What will life look like now? How will my life change? What do I need to do to avoid relapse? etc etc etc.

I did make a very very hard decision though last night, and decided to step down from being in the Christmas Play. Augh! I had been looking forward to this play for sooooo long, I am so disappointed that my health is getting in the way of me being involved. It was just too overwhelming and stressful. My body needs to rest. I was also hosting a Christmas party on Friday, which I also cancelled because I can't be in a big group of people for very long. 

My heart is sad that I have to cancel such things, but I'm learning how to take better care of myself, and realizing what I can and cannot do. 

Ryan and I also had our first marriage counselling appt today and I'm really happy with how it went. We had a good connection with our counsellor, and he seems excited to help us journey through this marriage and bipolar bit. 

These are all steps to recovery, and what my  next while will look like, lots of self care, self work, couple work, etc. 

Thanks for journeying with me,

R