Powerlessness

Power Which Feels Like Powerlessness
A daily meditation by Richard Rohr

The supreme irony of the whole crucifixion scene is this: he who was everything had everything taken away from him. He who was seemingly “perfect” (Hebrews 1:3, 5:9) was totally misjudged as “sin” itself (Romans 8:3-4). How can we be that mistaken? The crucified Jesus forever reveals to us how wrong both religious and political authorities can be, and how utterly wrong we all can be—about who is in the right and who is sinful (John 16:8). The crowd, who represents all of us, chose Barabbas, a common thief, over Jesus. That is how much we can misperceive, misjudge, and be mistaken.

Jesus hung in total solidarity with the pain of the world and the far too many lives on this planet that have been “nasty, lonely, brutish, and short.” After the cross, we know that God is not watching human pain, nor apparently always stopping human pain, as much as God is found hanging with us alongside all human pain. Jesus’ ministry of healing and death, of solidarity with the crucified of history, forever tells us that God is found wherever the pain is. This leaves God on both sides of every war, in sympathy with both the pain of the perpetrator and the pain of the victim, with the excluded, the tortured, the abandoned, and the oppressed since the beginning of time. I wonder if we even like that. There are no games of moral superiority left for us now. Yet this is exactly the kind of Lover and the universal Love that humanity needs.

This is exactly how Jesus “redeemed the world by the blood of the cross.” It was not some kind of heavenly transaction, or “paying a price” to an offended God, as much as a cosmic communion with all that humanity has ever loved and ever suffered. If Jesus was paying any price it was to the hard and resistant defenses around our hearts and bodies. God has loved us from all eternity.

Adapted from The Great Themes of Scripture: New Testament
(available from Franciscan Media)

Soft balance

I don't even know what to write anymore.
Things are just bumpy, inconsistent. I can't say I'm doing good. I can't say I'm doing bad. I had a great weekend with great people, but an awful Monday evening. Anxiety is still building, but creativity is flowing.
It's such an eb and flow, I never know what to expect.
I'm finding myself comparing my journey to others who experience suffering, and end up frustrated that I can't will this away. That I can't just make up my mind to be happy, because I want to. And I try, which only makes things worse because it doesn't work. You'd think I would KNOW this already, but it's so hard. I feel alone in my illness, when everyone around me isn't struggling with this. I feel alone.

I said I would update you on some recent paintings. This one is a commission piece I did for some close friends. It is called "soft balance" and is all about finding balance in life. Whether that be work and home, rest and play, romance and friendship, mania and depression. Balance.
What a big word. The white splatters represent all the chaos and noise going on around us that make it so hard to achieve the balance that is underneath it all, waiting to be found, to be seen.

The first picture is a progression series and the second is "soft balance" in it's new home.

Painting, distraction and anxiety

If you're friends with my on Facebook you will have probably noticed that I have been doing a lot of artwork lately! Oh boy, have I indeed! My creative flow comes and goes, and this time it is coming with great force and motivation. Which feels great bc I haven't been creative in so so long. I've done a few commission large scale paintings, and a lot of watercolour portraits. Some of the pieces I've done were done in memory of someone who had passed away, and each time I would get a vision of that person in heaven. I would be moved to tears, where I has to stop painting and just let Jesus speak to me. It was such a powerful experience.
I hope to show you all my new paintings, and explain their meaning to me in the next while, but right now concentration is really hard for me.
It has taken me 2 weeks to write this short post so far.
I can't concentrate on anything. Conversations. Cooking. Reading. Driving. Grocery shopping. Playing games. Everything is full of distractions.
I'm also very hard to entertain these days. It used me that I would just put on a tv show and I'd be good to go! But I hate watching tv now bc it is so boring. Painting and organizing seem to be the only two things that I like to do.

The other change is that my anxiety has been through the roof lately. I don't know what causes it, but I'm up and awake at 3 am most days, working around the house, filled with anxiety. If I have to leave the house for something I feel scared. Scared! Like fearful and I start sweating and crying and my heart is racing. It's fear. I know rationally I have nothing to worry about, but that doesn't matter. It is not situational anxiety!

Can anyone else relate to that?!

Until next time,
Richelle

Here is one of the paintings I recently finished.

Honest cries of a breaking heart

I dont have much energy to say anything. today was a bad day, and it felt like i was relapsing into something. i have no words to describe this feeling to you so i will leave you with two devotionals that have sustained me lately...

HERE
"Divine love is received by surrender instead of any performance principle whatsoever."
"The great thing about God’s love is that it’s not determined by the object. God does not love us because we are good. God loves us because God is good. It takes our whole lives for that to sink in, along with lots of trials and testing of divine love, because that’s not how human love operates."

AND HERE
I love where Richard Rohr says "After the cross, we know that God is not watching human pain, nor apparently always stopping human pain, as much as God is found hanging with us alongside all human pain. Jesus’ ministry of healing and death, of solidarity with the crucified of history, forever tells us that God is found wherever the pain is. "


It is because of words like these that I am able to sing,
"We pour out a melody, god just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are, honest cries of a breaking heart,
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes"

From dark to light

This will be a shorter post, more so just to update you with my current situation.
I've been feeling relatively healthy for the last two weeks, and it's been a strange experience. It happened fairly suddenly, the up swing of my moods, so I am hesitant to talk about it because I'm afraid it will go away and back to the darkness.
It's funny though, at first when I started feeling better, I felt like I missed my depressed mind. I had been severely depressed for so many months, that was my normal. And now I didn't know what to do with my days, what to blog or talk about. I liked my dark mind, in some twisted way only people with depression could understand.
But this relief, even if it is soon to go, has been helpful for myself, and for Ryan, and it has given us both some time to recharge and refuel for the next big bang.

Side note: has anyone seen the movie "Silverlinings Playbook"?
It's about a guy who has bipolar, and a girl who has depression or borderline personality disorder. I'd like to talk about that movie on this blog, so what are your initial thoughts? Questions?

Pharmaceutical medications and homeopathy

I've had some people asking what kinds of meds I'm on right now, so I thought I'd write a quick post about that, in case others are interested. Right now I am taking:

AM
1 citalopram 40mg (anti-depressant)
1 aripiprazole 10mg (anti-psychotic)

AFT
1 clonazapram o.5 mg (anti anxiety) I take this dose, as needed

NIGHT
3 lithium 900mg (mood stabilizer)
1 clonazapam (anti anxiety)
1 zopliclone (sleeping pill) but I have recently stopped taking this! Yay!

It's quite the cocktail of medications, and I've gone through many many different kinds like Olanzapine and Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, etc etc, none of which have worked, and all of which have given me terrible symptoms.

With the current meds I'm on, my symptoms (or med side effects) are minor, some tiredness, stomach pains, but the main thing is that I am very very confused a lot of the time. Like I am not able to concentrate on anything for very long, even things like conversations with people are really hard to focus on, especially if there is other stuff going on. I also cannot drive in the city anymore bc of all the distractions, its just too overwhelming. This is partially a side effect of the lithium, but also a symptom of the bipolar.

However, this week I am going to see a homeopath, which is a doctor specializing in natural remedies basically. And then in march I'm going to an iridologist to see what herbs she recommends. I am preparing myself with research in alternative medicine, bc my medications have not been working up until this point. Also, if I were to ever get pregnant I couldn't be on any of these meds, and that would make pregnancy and motherhood extra stressful. So it's planning for the far future, but I think it's wise to think of now already.
I am excited to learn more about natural medicine and herbs and to see what the homeopath recommends!

If you have any other questions about bipolar or me, please ask and I can better know what to post!

The old Richelle, hard marriage, mania and more

I have a jumble of thoughts in my head today, so this post will most likely be all over the place and sporadic.

I'll start at the beginning of the week... I was feeling really really down looking at the person I had become. There had been some pictures on Facebook that made an appearance again after many years, of me smiling and having a great time. I remember the memories and times around those photos, and I started to grieve the loss of that person. She was so outgoing, energetic, always up for an adventure, loved caring for people etc etc. It was like I entered a state of mourning. Mourning the loss of myself.
I feel like bipolar has taken everything from me, and left me with nothing. I know you're probably thinking 'oh but you have this and this and this'. But in my ill mind, I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense.
But to combat these thoughts of "that old Richelle is gone and never coming back", I've framed tones of pictures, and put tones more on my fridge and walls, of me smiling and enjoying life with other people. It looks like I'm super conceited if you walk into our house, haha, but it really does help. It's part of my visual therapy, that if I can see myself looking happy with people I love, I remember that person is still in there somewhere.
When I get healthy, that old Richelle may not come back, but maybe she will. It may be a journey of learning to accept the 'new healthy' me, I'm not sure.

I also realized that Ryan and I do not know what it is like to have a normal marriage, without this third member of bipolar looming over us. Our first year of marriage we thought we were incompatible, terrible for each other, fought all the time, and wanted a divorce. We thought it was us. We thought we sucked. It's only now that I'm realizing, it's the bipolar that was infecting our relationship. Some of it was of course, first year marriage problems. But my anger, irritation, depression, and terrible "attitude" was me going on and off meds, trying to find something that worked. I was quite oblivious to my illness then.
I had gone to a mental hospital a month before marriage, and came out thinking that it was done now. I think everyone thought "ok she's better, lets move on", myself included. I was so unaware of my symptoms, and triggers that everything that went wrong, or every part of my mood that wasn't "happy" became my fault. I was a terrible person, I thought.

Now I'll jump to today and the last few days. I was in a major funk. I canceled my support group, only went to therapy for 15 min, wasn't talking much, was drained and deeply depressed. But then, some of my favourite people in the world confirmed they were coming over on Friday evening (yesterday), and something clicked. I got EXCITED, and high and elevated. For the next two days I cleaned the house frantically, cleaning the same things over and over, arranging furniture in our house (heavy furniture) over and over, arranging art on our walls, framing art that needed frames, printing off pictures and framing them, getting new toys for my niece Neveah to play with, had the neighbours over for tea, helped run the espresso bar at a fundraiser, and slept very very very little!
Now that sounds a lot like hypomania to me. But it was different in the sense that I actually ENJOYED the things I was doing. To my therapist or psychiatrist, that would be a huge improvement because usually I enjoy very little.
It is utterly amazing to me how this family has so much power and influence, and bring so much joy into my deepest pain. The way they listen, ask meaningful questions, are willing to be vulnerable themselves, their sense of humour, they are all around refreshing. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't trust and respect many people. I don't listen to many people's advice. But I trust what they say, I learn from them, I love their values. I want to be like them. Haha, basically they're my heroes. Mark, Amy, and Jude, I love you guys so much!

So today is the next day, and I'm still feeling good! I thought I would crash and go back into depression, but I didn't. It's weird, because I am hesitant to indulge in this goodness because I know it is fleeting. But at the same time I am taking every advantage I can.
To be honest though, it makes me nervous when someone close to me asks "how are you" and I say "good", because I get scared they'll think I'm "all better" or don't need anymore support.

Speaking of support... My dear friend Candice has arranged a meal train for Ryan and I! I couldn't be more thankful, because cooking is nearly impossible when I am battling bipolar everyday, there just isn't the concentration, memory, energy, or ability to stick with it. So it's awesome what she's doing, and why everyone is doing by providing meals for us, I am sooooo great full, and have the best community ever!!!!!!