This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Thursday 17 January 2013

Lost

Why is it so much easier to write when there's at least a bit of hope? Even if things are going terrible, if you have just a glimmer of hope, the load is lightened.
I seem to have lost that hopeful glimmer these past 2ish weeks.
Although I've been close, I haven't had any full blown episodes. Episodes are intensified moments of panic, despair, guilt thrusted into a mere few hours. What I am bearing right now is a constant dark, heavy, burden that is with me each moment of the day. Before, my days were usually good and my evenings were full blown madness. But now my entire day is dulled, depressed, anxiety filled. I enjoy nothing. I am unmotivated. I'm behind on cleaning. I don't have energy or desire to cook food.
I'm not sure which state is worse; episodes at night but having good days, or being constantly down with no good moments at all.
I feel hopeless, like I will be this way for the rest of my life, or at least a whole year or months on end.
I feel like a burden. Like a big negative ball of dead weight with nothing to give.
I'm a bad friend.
A bad daughter.
A bad auntie.
A bad sister.
A bad wife.

I try to tell myself that 'I'm sick' and I need to think of myself as sick and not be so hard on myself, but its no use.

I dont't know what to do or where to go from here. Ryan is tiring out, growing impatient (with good reason), and I just feel lost.

Saturday 5 January 2013

The bad and the good

I feel like I should mention that my last blog post was not directed at anyone specific. I should also say that I understand that people's perception of me or of mental illness is based on not having the correct education. It is because people do not understand bipolar or mental illness that they 'try to help' the only way they know how. Our councillor is going to get me some informative articles on what it's like to have bipolar, and how to care for someone who suffers from it, so that I can give them out to those of you who want to know more. My words can only communicate so much and sometimes it's good to read something from an outside source.

A couple other things:
Yes I usually get a lot of anxiety from seeing people and visiting, but that anxiety is usually only leading up to our visit. When I actually see the person and start talking, my body relaxes and I know I have nothing to fear. It is very good for me to keep meeting with people amidst the struggle.

And also, please don't ever be afraid to ask me questions! I LOVE talking about my journey with bipolar and I love it when people are curious and want some things explained, I love it.


On other terms, I may have mentioned this but my family doctor, dr.prinsloo, is leaving. So I am without a doctor, which sucks. I just had my first follow up doc appt this week since being at Eden and it was with a doctor I had never met before. She knew nothing about my history or current situation and it was extremely stressful. I basically tell her exactly what had to happen with my meds and how many/how often blood work needs to be done, and it is just a lot to carry. It's just stupid because I will likely be seeing a different doctor every time and I need to be figuring out and perfecting my meds, which is hard to do when you have no consistent health care. Not to mention that family doctors don't really know what they are doing when it comes to mood stabilizer meds or anything. That's my rant.

Our house is currently under renovations and that is a huge stressor. My mom and dad have been here countless hours, painting and varnishing and helping out. But the house is often very loud with sanders and loud vacuums, so I spend a lot of time in the basement trying to avoid it all. I sure am thankful for all my parents help though.




Well that is just a bunch of negative stuff, so let me tell you some positives:
- Ryan and i's relationship has been really good. There have been times where I did not feel cared for or loved, but he has been giving me such quality care and support. A huge thing is that he is stopping doing photography now, so that frees up a lot of time for us to connect and spend time together

-the presence of little Jude has my heart skipping beats. He honestly makes me so happy, I am always looking at pictures of him that Amy sends me. I feel so lucky and blessed to be in his life.

-and the biggest joy of all......
IM GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Rose and Steve are having their 3rd child, due at the beginning of August! This is extra special for me because when Rose was pregnant with Easton and Neveah, I wasn't part of the family really. But this time I get to journey with Rose through the pregnancy, and be the most involved, loving, care giver of an aunty ever!!! I am beyond thrilled!

So I will choose to dwell on these happy thoughts.
Oh, here is a picture of little Jude...

Thursday 3 January 2013

Christmas

So I know I haven't written in a long time, and everyone is wondering how my Christmas went. My energy has been extremely limited since Christmas, but I think I can finally start to share.

I would say that all our gatherings and events went really well considering! Like I wrote in my last post, we had a very structured plan in place and that really helped. Ryan was incredibly helpful. We were communicating well and I really felt like he was there to support me. It's really hard to be around people, any people, for a long time. Especially when it's a social event and you have to small talk to a lot of people. But I always had an escape route and a plan to de-stress once we got home.

But since Christmas I've had a post Christmas hangover. Things have not been good. I have been so depressed. So anxious. So unmotivated. So nervous. So guilty. So overwhelmed. I've been feeling bored, like nothing can entertain my mind and that makes me feel depressed and hopeless. I don't want to see people, that makes me feel anxious. I don't want to leave the house, that makes me also feel anxious.

Whether its just my perception or it actually is true, I feel like people think I am doing ok. I am realizing how much of a disconnect there is in mental health. People know I have bipolar, they can even know things aren't going good, and yet they still expect me to be "normal". I recently had a serious physical health scare, but the results were negative. To be honest, I was hoping the results would be positive. I know that sounds terrible, but I feel like if I had this physical illness people could understand more. They would accept my ailment and know that I have to say no to things and that I get tired. Right now, it's like "I can't come, I've been depressed lately' isn't a good enough answer because the response would be 'then come out and have fun, get your mind off it'. But it doesn't work that way! Depression and anxiety is leaving my body TIRED and tense. I can't even find the motivation to cook supper. Would you ask someone who had cancer to just 'get out of the house and have fun' when they are suffering?
Whether I like it or not, there is stigma still around mental health. There is stigma in my own perception of my illness. It's hard for me to be truly honest to people most of the time because I feel silly, misunderstood, and like my troubles are trivial. But I wouldn't feel that way if I had cancer, or arthritis, or something else.

I have a lot of work to do around my perception of how people respond to me and how I think of myself as bipolar.

This reflecting has tired me out.