sleep

So last night I slept from 11-5!! And then slept some more until 7ish! My nurse encouraged me to do some "ritualistic" things that mean bedtime, so my body would prepare itself to sleep. So I put my laptop away at 9 and stopped reading/thinking/praying at that time too because I get SOOO energized from those things. I waited till I was ready to sleep to put my pajamas on, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then I played a body relaxation CD. And I slept!

I am going home tomorrow for the first time since coming here and am excited/nervous/curious as to whats going to happen. If things go well, I am allowed to stay overnight, which means I'll most likely be in Church on Sunday. And then I need to come back here Sunday sometime, for another week(ish), depending on how things keep progressing.

Tonight, I just want to leave you with 2 quotes that resonated with my spirit this evening....

"To know anything fully is always to hold that part of it which is still mysterious and unknowable" Richard Rohr

"You were within, but I was without. You were with me, but I was not with you. So you called, you shouted, you broke my deafness, you flared, blazed and banished my blindness, you lavished your fragrance and I gasped" - St. Augstine

Mary

If you've been reading my blog, you will remember this post, about how I've been drawn to Mary the mother of Jesus lately. Until this past week, I have never even THOUGHT about Mary much. I just always knew her as Jesus' mother, and that was all. 

During our listening prayer time on Wednesday, Darlene saw a picture of Mary when we started praying. And at the end of our prayer time I was getting a lot of visions of gifts, and that these gifts were not for me, but for me to give away. God was telling me that despite my struggles, I still have something to offer...

I get daily meditations sent to my e mail by Richard Rohr and the following was today's meditation:

"Jesus is the Icon of the Gift itself and how the Gift is given. Mary is the Icon of how the Gift is received. In her great “Magnificat” (Luke 1:46-55), Mary is not afraid to first of all boast openly of her own beauty and greatness, because she knows it is all a gift. It is not a statement about her; it is a statement about God!

She is the perfect yes to God, precisely because her yes is spoken out of her accepted “nothingness” (Luke 1:48). We instead demand some kind of “somethingness” from ourselves, and foolishly avoid the God-given emptiness that we are. Our somethingness is only revealed from a previous admission of our littleness (Buddhists might call it emptiness). Or as Simone Weil puts it, “God creates the vacuum that God alone can fill.”

Mary will always be the most orthodox Biblical image of how grace works in humanity, how God is received, and how love itself is received. It is our daily emptiness that allows us to need and to receive God’s utter fullness, and Mary does not hesitate to admit three times that she also lives under the divine mercy (Luke 1:50, 54-55) and like all of us is a “lowly” one, which she says two times (Luke 1:47, 52). Ironically, people who know they are chosen or beloved do not need any form of self-promotion. They are already permanently promoted."

balloons and lilies

Just wanted to share with you some cute pictures of my time with Melissa and Olivia.

They brought me these adorable polka dotted balloons, but unfortunately I wasn't allowed to keep them because of hospital safety rules I guess. I was pretty disappointed, but it was totally worth it seeing Olivia wadle around holding 4 balloons... it was hard to get a picture (you know Olivia!)

 They also brought me this HUGE piece of paper that Olivia had "drawn" (not coloured, apparently she's very adamant that colouring is for kids) for me... It's so wonderful to have something to put on my walls!

AND THEN.... I GOT THESE FLOWERS DELIVERED TO ME...... FROM ANNIE!!!!!

For those of you who don't know, Annie is the friend in whose wedding I was a bridesmaid in Ontario this fall! She's like my soul sister and I miss her so much. When I read the little card that said "from annie" I started sobbing because it made me miss her so much, and yet I still felt supported and loved by her. Gah, tearing up right now....

BUT AGAIN, they had to take some of the flowers out of the bouquet because someone has an allergy to lilies, but the lilies were HUGE and BEAUTIFUL and I got to stare at them for a while (unfortunately, I dont have a photo of that)

confusion

1 hour.

1 hour of sleep is what I'm running on right now.

Why is it so hard for me to sleep?! 

When I get into bed it's like I get excited. My mind starts racing, I have all these ideas, reminders, creative pictures. I want to read. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to do anything but sleep.

Gross.

Things are about to get confusing, so bear with me:

Positive thinking does not get rid of depression.

 I don't want to be sending the wrong message with this blog, that I am only doing better because I am thinking more positively and praying and able to see and feel God, because that's not the case. Sure those things have a part in it (especially the spiritual stuff) but I hate it when people say to a depressed person "Just think more positively" or "Just pray about it and Jesus will comfort you"....... No! Speaking from experience, that doesn't work!

Last year when I was here, I would have felt so inwardly angry and hurt if someone said that to me. I was trying to see God, I was trying to find Him, but for whatever reason I couldn't. I don't understand yet why I wasn't able to recognize Him then, and why I am able to now. This time around, for whatever reason, I am able to find hope more easily, and am able to see Jesus working in all the suffering. 

Notice how I don't know that God wasn't with me last year when I was here. I believe He has been with me through everything. Gods presence within us does not change, but sometimes we can't feel Him and it feels lonely. I believe that God uses things like medicine, coping skills, doctors, supporters etc to heal a person from whatever they are suffering from. "He is in it. He's in ALL of it" is something I heard in listening prayer last night and just thought of. 

I guess I'm just worried I've been sending the wrong message. If I was someone with depression or bipolar reading this blog, I would probably feel angry and upset and like I wasn't doing something right, if I was reading it a year ago. So I just want to say to anybody suffering with any kind of mental illness... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Depression is a dark, lonely place. It sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better. When any kind of mental illness is untreated (medicine, doctors, coping, councilling, whatever "treatment" means to you), there can be a time when you literally have no control or power to change things. It's like if you have a broken leg, I wouldnt expect you to run around the park. BUT, once you get help you do have some control AND some responsibility (i hate to say it). Once your broken leg has been casted, you can start healing that leg, and maybe walk around with crutches. Similarily, when you start treating your mental illness with medication, councilling, cognitive behavioural therapy, meditation/prayer, seeing a doctor and talking with friends (to me treatment is a combination of all these things), you will begin to get better, at which point you are given back some control, some responsibility. YOU are the only who can CHOOSE to get better at that point. If you refuse to take your meds, live in denial of your feelings, hide yourself from friends, you probably won't get better. Your leg has now been casted and you can try walking around with a cast. And eventually the cast can come off! 

It's a balance of learning what you can control and what you can't. What is mental illness and what is personality type. I'm on that road right now, and it's a crooked one!

ANYWAYS.... not that I got that off my chest, I have some important things to tell you.

I got a day pass for Saturday! And if I'm feeling good enough I'm allowed to stay at home for Sat night and go to Church on Sunday, but if I feel anxious or anything I can come back here at anytime during my pass. 

Next week I'll be here again, with passes to use in the evenings or afternoon and then depending on how all these passes go, we'll look into a full weekend pass, and then talk about discharge.

So basically ONE MORE WEEK, i can do that i can do that i can do that!

So if you'd like to come visit me, PLEASE DO! At this point, my scheduale is wide open, so just facebook or e mail me (richellewiebe@hotmail.com) if you'd like to come. Visiting hours are from 3-4:30 or from 6-8, but this starts to get more flexible next week. 

I know I was struggling for a while as to what it looked like for me to be supported, and after coming into Eden, my recent struggles came out and I told everyone how much I was hurting, and then I felt SUPPORT. The main way I feel supported is by the visitors every day. It gives me something to look forward to, I love visitors! Speaking of which, Melissa and Olivia are coming soon! So I should go!

Love,

R

eden art

Today I thought I'd share some art that I've been doing since being here....

I'm kinda in love with this feather painting, the drips, the water marks, the black...

again, sorry for the TERRIBLE photos, but I just have my macbook for taking photos with photobooth, haha kinda lame...

I watercoloured this cute lil owl today and hopefully tomorrow there will be a friend to join him...

haha and then this owl is the funniest! I painted it on a rock, so it was hard, and i had to use acrylic paint. and i hate working with acrylic paint doing details. the message and "owl always love you" i wrote on the back of the stone..... i think i kinda like rock painting..... might get into that more....


Anyways, today was...... today was a day.
Lots of up and downs.
Candice and Darlene came this evening to facilitate some listening prayer with me, which I had my apprehensions about, but those were quickly eliminated once we got started. I'm too tired (yay tired!) to write more about the details, but i'll just say this. God spoke to me in ways that I couldnt have come up with on my own. I always struggle with listening praying, thinking that "these are just my thoughts, how do i know if this is jesus speaking?" But this time, there is no way what I was hearing was coming from inside of me because I couldn't even think about stuff like that, so it was overwhelming at times because it was like OH MY GOODNESS HE'S REALLY SPEAKING TO ME AND ITS POWERFUL AND OVERWHELMING. haha, so i'll read through the 50 pages that Dar wrote down as we were praying and decide what to share here another time.

I took 2 sleeping pills a while ago and I think i'm starting to feel it, so I'm gonna say goodnight!

gifts, marriage and anxiety

So last night I slept 4 hours in a row, from 12-4 and then from 5-7am! So that's a big improvement! Still not enough, but getting better for sure.
I met with my psychiatrist again today and she is just so understanding and patient. I have to ask a lot of questions that I've asked many times before, because my memory is terrible, but she is so good with it. I got 1-2 hour passes that I can use once each day with family, so that's really good. I've been anticipating what it will be like to leave hospital even for a few hours and be exposed to more triggers. So tonight my parents picked me up and we went for supper and then to Superstore. They spoiled me and bought me some shirts, socks, shampoo and chocolates. Ooooooooo retail therapy! I was disappointed in myself however, because I didn't do so well emotionally. I was extremely irritable, short with my words, and started having anxiety.
 I was very tense.
I thought I would do better.
 It's so sad that the people I love most always get the blunt end of the stick. It's always Ryan and my parents that get the worst side of me. I guess because I'm just most comfortable with them?
 This is something that the psychiatrist and I talked about today as well... the fact that a lot of the time my episodes are set off by Ryan, even though he doesn't do anything wrong. I'm realizing I have a very high need for love and acceptance from Ryan, and it's hard because our love languages are completely different. I have often struggled with feeling unloved and unsatisfied in our marriage, which makes me feel VERY depressed. So that is something I hope to work on while in hospital, and hopefully Ryan and I can be equipped with some helpful coping tools and then set up to do some counselling or something.
It's just hard because talking about my depression and expressing my emotions is something I need to do, and is healthy to do, but I know it gets to be too much for Ryan to handle. So learning when to keep my mouth shut and when to let it out is a process.
If anyone has any marriage advice, I'd welcome your words! :)

This afternoon Bev and Erin (a mother and daughter duo from my church) came to visit. Oh butt they are sweet! They brought me an americano (haha I love it!!) and sticky tack and index cards for me to write inspiration quotes/bible verses on to put up around my room. What a great idea hey?! I'll be honest, it is SO FUN when people come to visit me bearing gifts, haha, it just gets me so excited! Speaking of which, Ryan had flowers delivered to me today! What a sweetie!
Here is a photo (I only have my macbook to take pictures with so bare with me)...

A couple other things Bev, Erin and I discussed....

Why does God let some people go through such SHIT and other people have a relatively seamless life (of course everyone has their ups and downs.... but some people just get bombarded with problem after problem after problem) WHY?! It's not fair!

This question frustrates and confuses me.

Tonight I do not feel at peace. Things are not okay. I am hurting. And I don't have the energy to be positive, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with soaking in my sadness. And I'll leave it at that.

Day 4

Wow. Today has been a very busy day!

I got to meet with my psychiatrist for the first time since being admitted into hospital, and it was sooooo good! We talked for an hour and a half. I didn't feel like I was being rushed to talk or ask questions, and I felt like she was genuinely listening and caring towards what I was going through.

She said it was quite common for someone to come into hospital and feel kinda relieved, almost like a 'honeymoon' period because really I have no concerns or triggers when in a safe place like this (even if it is really uncomfortable and awkward...)

I felt very heard, and that made me glad.

I am starting on a new pill this evening called Lithium, and she upped my dosage of sleeping pills so hopefully I sleep soundly. I am soooo tired from not sleeping, but whenever I try and go to bed I get so "excited" and have racing thoughts and suddenly want to make art and write letters and read books. It's so frustrating.

Rose and the kids came to visit this afternoon and that was really helpful (she brought me an americano from jonny's, thank the Lord!), and it was just a really good distraction to play "store" with Neveah and talk to my sister (love you!)

Then Ryan and Erin and Kendall came to visit in the evening and that was also really good. Having visitors helps me so much! They all just listened attentively while I shared about my day, and I felt very cared for and loved. And of course, like anytime with Erin and Kendall, we shared some good laughs, and that helped me feel "normal". There have been some pretty funny things that have happened since being here, but everytime something happens it's "inappropriate" for me to laugh, so I have to keep it inside and try not to giggle, which I'm not very good at! But I'll wait to share all those stories with you in person when you come visit :)

Other than that I don't have a lot to say.

Thank you for your prayers and support, I can feel them all, I really can.

The support and love is overwhelming and really remarkable. 

I appreciate every word, every thought, every americano, every prayer.

spiritual snippets

day 3

I am sooooooo tired. Last night I tried a pill that was supposed to help me relax but not necessarily put me to sleep, and then I did a relaxation muscle exercise in hopes of helping me feel ready for bed. But no, I was still up around 2 am when they finally gave me a real sleeping pill, and then even that didn't work. Zero sleep. I got out of bed for breakfast and then came back to bed and had a "nap" from 9-10am. Yuck. 

I thought I'd share with you some spiritual themes that have been emerging in strange ways this last little while.

Psalm 139:
I always skim over this passage because I've read it a million times and "already know what it says". But it was brought to the forefront of my mind weeks back at the Equip seminar at my church. As a group we practiced the SOAP (Scripture, Observe, Apply, Pray) method of reading this passage. and verses 7-12 jumped out at me saying:
 "Is there any place I can go to avoid your Spirit? To be out of your sight?.... Then i said to myself 'oh, He sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!' It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day darkness and light, they're all the same to you"
After that day, I've been wanting to read this passage with Branches (the youth group I help lead) and see what they found in those words. 
And yesterday, a dear friend prayed this passage over me with lyrics from a song that was adapted from Psalm 139. It's just been a continuing passage on my mind....

The Almond Branch:
In one of my readings by Thomas Merton he refers to the almond trees several times, and that sparked curiosity in me. What do they represent? Merton was specifically referring to Jeremiah 1:11. Turns out that the word almond is pretty much the same word as "watch" in hebrew. The almond tree is known for blooming and bearing fruit before all the other trees, and maybe it represents God's faithfulness? It could also represent God's "judgement" and I say with hesitancy, because it sounds harsh but this is what Ted Enns Dyck says "It may be about judgement and this always seems negative to us, but often is God's process of purifying and bringing his people back into relationship. It also might mean that it is a sign to Jeremiah that God is going to move soon." 
So I think God is speaking this over me, that God is present and alive no matter what I'm going through and that he is faithfully WATCHING over me, like an almond tree. 

Mary:
Now this is weird to me, because I NEVER think of Mary (mother of Jesus) or anything to do with Mary really. But I'm in the Seeds Christmas play about a Christmas play (confusing right?) and my character ends up becoming Mary, and some of my lines are straight from the Bible when the angel speaks to Mary about bearing the Son of God. I was connecting to Mary and trying to "get into the role" and it touched my heart in a way I didn't expect. And then 5 minutes later my friend Jenny sends me a message using Mary as an example of how God can do anything (the same God who placed the Saviour in a virgins womb is walking with me in depression and bipolar).....

"Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.” Joshua 1:9

    "But now, God’s Message,
    the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
    the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,    trade the creation just for you." Isaiah 43:1-4

And then I'll just write parts of Isaiah 41 that have calmed my soul...

"Quiet down, far-flung ocean islands. Listen!

 Sit down and rest, everyone. Recover your strength.

Gather around me. Say what’s on your heart....

I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.

Don’t panic. I’m with you.

 There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.....

 That’s right. Because I, your God,

 have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.

I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.

 I’m right here to help you.’

“Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?

  Don’t be afraid.

Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?

I’ll help you,

I, God, want to reassure you.

 The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.

I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,

from insect to iron.

As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,

turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.

You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,

 to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.

But you’ll be confident and exuberant,

expansive in The Holy of Israel!

Dare I say this is a gift?!

Day 2

What did I do today?
-Despite my sleeping pill last night, I was up every hour/half hour, and never got into a deep sleep
-Felt very tired most of the morning and very unmotivated
-Jenny came to visit me and brought me an americano from jonny's java and that hit the spot! We puzzled and talked and just sat in quiet. It was really helpful for me to have her here
-Ryan came after supper (he had been running my craft sale booth all day) and brought some games and cookies (although we didnt play any games or eat many cookies) because I was pretty sad and discouraged (I didnt do as well in the craft sale as I had hoped)


How have I been feeling?
I've actually been feeling pretty good. Last night I didn't have an episode and I haven't today either. When I was here in 2011 the same thing happened. I never had an episode the entire time I was here. I was talking to my nurse about that yesterday. It's almost frustrating that I dont have episodes here because it makes me feel like I'm here for no reason. She said that it's actually quite common for someone to come into hospital and be relieved of major depression/suicidal thoughts and stuff because I'm in a safe place with no temptations to hurt myself. That, and I'm not comfortable enough here to "show my true colours".
Talking with Jenny today helped me realize that maybe I should stay here at least for a little while, and I was able to understand why, but I still don't WANT to, and I still haven't decided if I will go home on Monday or not.

Goals:
My nurse also asked me if I had any goals to work towards upon discharge. If I could leave here completely healthy what would that look like?
I wasn't sure, as I just wanted to leave asap and didn't care about any goals. But upon more prodding, I was able to say I would want to leave here in control of my emotions. (at this point i had been crying for half an hour straight, very tense body, very anxious). To me, being in control of my emotions meant not having any episodes (defined my outrage, yelling, rolling around the floor sobbing, not being able to communicate etc). But she suggested that being in control of my emotions also meant not crying all the time and having my anxiety under control. WHAT?! That's possible?! It made me realize how long I've been living in depression. It's become my normal. I can live a life where I find CONSISTENT enjoyment in activities and be able to go uptown without anxiety? She said, the fact that I wasn't even able to BELIEVE I could have a life like that was the very depth of depression. Hopeless.

My situation tells me things are hopeless. But I do not feel hopeless. My situation tells me that I should feel like a failure. But I do not feel like a failure. My situation tells me that I should feel like I'm being punished. But I do not feel like I am being punished.
In fact, I feel hope-FULL. Yes, my heart aches sometimes, wrenching in pain, but I can see God moving in all this. I would have NEVER been able to say that last time I was here. Growth.
I've been reading this little book called "On Christian Contemplation" by Thomas Merton. It's basically a bunch of little paragraphs and quotes by Merton from various books of his throughout the years.
Contemplative prayer has been so helpful for me. I have my own little beef/doubts about prayer in general (more on that another time), but with contemplative prayer, I feel so relaxed, so peaceful. I feel like I am ENOUGH in my broken-ness. I feel like God is NEAR.

"Prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart turns to stone. If you have never had any distractions you don't know how to pray. For the secret of prayer is a hunger for God and for the vision of God, a hunger that lies far deeper than the level of language or affection. And a man whose memory and imagination are persecuting him with a crowd of useless or even evil thoughts and images may sometimes be forced to pray far better, in the depths of his murdered heart, than one whose mind is swimming with clear concepts and brilliant purposes and easy acts of love" Thomas Merton

Reading this makes me feel greatful (DARE I SAY THAT?!) for what is happening to me right now. I am suffering so bad, it is allowing me to access depths of Jesus I wouldn't be able to access if I wasn't in pain! Dare I say this is a gift?! oooooo controversy.

I just want to say THANK YOU for reading this. It is really therapeutic for me to write this blog, knowing that my friends and family are backing me up. I think that's one big difference of being here this time around. Last time, it was all "hush hush richelle's in eden, nobody can know" and now I don't give a rats ass who knows i'm in here! Your continued support means a lot to me, and I would love visitors! I think we will be getting a bit of a visitor system into place soon, but if you want to visit me, please just facebook message/email me, as I can have internet most of the time.

"I'm in your tears"

I never thought this day would come.
The day when I got admitted back into Eden.
But today it came.

Ryan and I met with a psychiatrist this morning, and after hearing what I've been going through, he strongly recommended I come to Eden Mental Health Centre. We didn't know what to do. We took some time to go and talk about it, and decided with great hesitancy that I would agree to go.

I guess we decided this for these reasons:

-It is not safe for me to be at home and have access to so many harmful things and be left alone for periods of time, when I am tempted to hurt myself.

-I need to go onto some kind of mood stabilizer, and often it is best to be monitored when you begin taking such kinds of medication due to side effects and how quickly you can up the dosage. This can only be done at a place like Eden where they are monitoring you 24/7. If I were to go home, I would go home with a letter of medical recommendation to give to my family doctor, who would then (not knowing a thing about these kinds of drugs) try to help me figure out dosage amounts and the right med for me. I've done that before and it sucks, and it would be likely that I would end up going to Emergency and be submitted to Eden at the end of it all anyways.

-My family needs a break from caring for me.


But I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go home. I want to lay in my own bed. I don't want these florescent lights above my head, I want to nuzzle my face in Lily's fur, and soak in my jacuzzi tub. I want to be with my husband.
I want to get a support group in place and ask the impossible, that people would be willing to sit with me through my evening episodes, to provide support and safety to me, but also to allow Ryan to have some breathing room and a chance for him to get support that he needs. I want to be literally surrounded in prayer by people that I trust and am close with. I don't want to be alone, bored and confined within these cold white walls and plastic floors.
I want to go home.

But I signed a paper, and now I'm stuck here. I feel claustrophobic, trapped, caged. I can't leave.
But I thought I was voluntary? I want out!

Where is Jesus in all of this? I asked Him. He replied with "I'm in your tears"

We'll see what comes...

I have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow morning.
It's kinda funny because I've been waiting months for this appointment (for more minor reasons then), and it's only been in the last 3 weeks that it's become so crucial I go.

Right now, I am not on medication for bi-polar. Last week the doctor did get me an anxiety and sleeping pill just to try to help me last till this appt.
For a while I was adamant about not being on any meds because the side effects were soooo bad, it wasn't worth it because the meds weren't doing what they were supposed to do for me anyways.
I guess I just wanted to be able to do this bipolar thing on my own, not rely on meds to keep me going.
But it's just gotten so bad, it's gotten to be a matter of life or death at this point, and I dont even know If I have a choice anymore.
Anyways, the psychiatrist will try to get me to take more drugs (thats their job), and I don't know yet how I will respond, I still don't know what I want.

I also think, he will suggest I be admitted back into Eden for a while because of all my suicidal thoughts and (if i chose the medication route) to get that under control.
Again, I dont know how I will respond, I still don't know what I want.

When these terrible episodes started happening, I begged Ryan and my parents never to send me back to Eden, but as the time went on and I kept having episode after episode after episode, I started to realize we don't have a sustainable system for me NOT to back to Eden. Ryan does practically EVERY part of my care. He works HARD during the day, and comes home to a crazy, debilitated wife who needs constant supervision and support. He is awesome at caring for me, the best husband ever! But he is only human! He is burning out, and so are my parents! And now I can see that maybe it is better for me to go to Eden just because everyone needs a BREAK!

But recently, I've been in conversations about what it would mean to have a support system in place, in Altona, in my HOUSE, so that I can stay home and be supported and allow Ryan to have space and be refilled. I am still not sure what this will look like, but I feel it gives me hope. I am scared to let people into my crisis in very vulnerable ways, very scared, but I need help, I know I do. I am excited and overwhelmed at what this support could look like.

So as I go into that psychiatrist appt tomorrow I do not know what will happen, I do not know what will be suggested or discouraged. I don't even know what to say. But I believe that I will know whats best for me as we talk about potential options. I know myself enough to discern through this....

We'll see what comes....

Asking for good thoughts, prayers, discernments, meditation, or whatever your style is.

OH!
And thanks for all the support through messages, texts, comments...... I may not have the energy to respond to each one, but please know that POSITIVE words HELP ME SO MUCH. I am not able to form positive thoughts often, so for someone to give me some words IT HELPS fill my mind with GOODNESS and then I can hold onto that for a while. So thanks!

praise you in this storm

I struggle with words. 

They often feel empty and inadequate.

I struggle to communicate feelings with words.

They only convey a snippet of a larger mystery.

I struggle with words.

And so, this painting came out of my being yesterday.

I want you to understand what it means, but I know I have to use words to describe it to you and that frustrates me, but I will try...

I struggle to find God amidst my pain. As I shared in Church a while ago, I have felt abandoned by Jesus because I couldn't FEEL Him in my darkest moments. I am angry at Him. Why do I have to suffer this way? Isn't he supposed to be there? Don't we say that in our suffering we can find Him?

I didn't.

But maybe I did.

“God hides, and is found, precisely in the DEPTHS of everything, even and maybe especially in the deep fathoming of our falling and failures.”  Richard Rohr

On Saturday morning I was driving into Winnipeg. I was alone in the car, on the road, and that doesn't happen often. I couldn't hook up my iphone to the car, so I was stuck with gross radio music. I hate the radio. It makes me almost manic to be flipping through channel to channel trying to find something good, not wanting to miss a good song. 

I ended up listening to a CD my mom had in the car, Casting Crowns. Now I'll be honest, I really don't like "Christian" music. I think it sounds gross and it makes me angry. 

The only exception is at my Church, I LOVE the music at my Church, maybe it's because I KNOW the people in the band and it makes the songs PERSONAL and REAL.

ANYWAYS....

I was surprised by how some songs on this Casting Crowns CD really impacted me. It had me in tears. It touched my soul. My soul was raw.

Until the sun started to set.

At this point, I had done what I wanted in Winnipeg and was driving home, so I played this song again aching for the soul connection I had earlier on that morning. 

Nothing.

I was driving into the sunset, and it was BEAUTIFUL, breathtakingly beautiful. But it made me scared, sad, because I knew that the setting of the sun meant night was coming. 

Evenings are when my episodes start and I am uncontrollable. 

I was seeing this beautiful sunset, but was in despair of what it meant.

That evening I came home, a gigantic mess of depression and despair. I didn't want to paint, I didn't have the energy. But I had to. I HAD to express.

This painting represents my daily journey battling with darkness, trying to find light. 

The colours of the sunset colliding with the colours of darkness.

It's in a circular motion because my bipolar episodes are very cyclical, the journey keeps going round and round and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 

And lastly, those drops and drippings are tears. Simple. 

I usually never paint with a plan in mind, my style of painting is to just express my emotion. I usually don't paint to have a lot of "meaning" behind it (which goes against all my Fine Art Schooling). For me, the meaning comes afterwards, I learn about myself, my situation, about God, once the painting is done, it speaks to me and reveals something I couldn't have come up with on my own. 

For example: the tears I was trying to represent on this painting taught me something. As the tears dropped into the darkness, it lightened the paint. There was LIGHT breaking through the darkness by my tears. My tears (typically a negative thing) were bringing light and hope into the darkness. 

Maybe God is showing me that tears don't mean He's not there, in fact, maybe they mean HE IS THERE.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the song I was connecting with. 

If my words didn't make sense to you (which is likely), the words of this song represent exactly how I feel....

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

"Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns

An explanation

As most of you know, I already have a blog. Why would I start a second one do you ask?

Well, I often struggle as to how honest I should be about my personal life on maehandmade, as it is my artistic business, I feel strange sharing personal tidbits on the blog, and yet I yearn to be open and vulnerable. In attempt to keep maehandmade my creative outlet and my job, I have created a second blog only for those whom I am close with, where I can share about my honest struggles and be transparent.

I invite you to walk with me in the day to day struggles I am facing. I will warn you though, this may be a depressing blog to read, if you are entering into my life. There is no obligation to read it. It seems I never know how to answer people questions when they are asked in person because they have no background into my day to day life, so I hope this helps.

These past 2 weeks have been absolutely insane filled with crazy depressive/insane episodes. During the day I am usually okay, dealing with anxiety and mild depression, but I can get back as long as I don't overload my scheduale and take time to relax. But as soon as it gets dark outside I feel my insides changing. I completely change. My depression gets so bad I cant stop crying. And I don't mean "sitting on a chair wiping my eyes with a kleenex crying" I mean "frantic rolling around on the carpet sobbing, howling, crying" 

It's like I am going "crazy" or "mad" or "insane". I lose control over my mind and it is SCARY. Ryan will ask me questions "do you want to eat this?" "do you want to watch this?" and I get overwhelmed, I'm not able to answer. I can't make decisions. I overreact to things. I am extremely sensitive. I am mad, confused and resentful as to why this has to happen to me. It's like I am taken over by something so strong, I'm not able to recognize truth or rationality. Thoughts tell me to end my life because I feel it's too painful. I yell at Ryan and my mom and my dad. 

The doctors call these "episodes".

As the episdoes calms down, and I am able to become calmer, I realize what I all just did. And I am covered in guilt and shame. I dont want the people I love most to have to see me like this. It's not fair to Ryan to have to have a crazy wife.  

I need prayer. I need support. I need a support group. But I don't know how. It's easy to ask for prayer and recieve prayer support. My cell prayed for me this week and I FELT their prayers and actually had a GOOD day with NO episodes. But what does it mean for me to recieve support? I don't want to let people see me like this, it's ugly, it's repulsive, it's shameful. So how do I get support?

It's hard to talk to other people openly and honestly because everyone is dealing with their own crap, or joys, or life events, and I dont want to rain on their parade. 

These are just questions and things I am trying to figure out right now.

I have a lot on my mind, but maybe I'll try to save some for tomorrow.