1 hour of sleep is what I'm running on right now.
Why is it so hard for me to sleep?!
When I get into bed it's like I get excited. My mind starts racing, I have all these ideas, reminders, creative pictures. I want to read. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to do anything but sleep.
Things are about to get confusing, so bear with me:
Positive thinking does not get rid of depression.
I don't want to be sending the wrong message with this blog, that I am only doing better because I am thinking more positively and praying and able to see and feel God, because that's not the case. Sure those things have a part in it (especially the spiritual stuff) but I hate it when people say to a depressed person "Just think more positively" or "Just pray about it and Jesus will comfort you"....... No! Speaking from experience, that doesn't work!
Last year when I was here, I would have felt so inwardly angry and hurt if someone said that to me. I was trying to see God, I was trying to find Him, but for whatever reason I couldn't. I don't understand yet why I wasn't able to recognize Him then, and why I am able to now. This time around, for whatever reason, I am able to find hope more easily, and am able to see Jesus working in all the suffering.
Notice how I don't know that God wasn't with me last year when I was here. I believe He has been with me through everything. Gods presence within us does not change, but sometimes we can't feel Him and it feels lonely. I believe that God uses things like medicine, coping skills, doctors, supporters etc to heal a person from whatever they are suffering from. "He is in it. He's in ALL of it" is something I heard in listening prayer last night and just thought of.
I guess I'm just worried I've been sending the wrong message. If I was someone with depression or bipolar reading this blog, I would probably feel angry and upset and like I wasn't doing something right, if I was reading it a year ago. So I just want to say to anybody suffering with any kind of mental illness... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Depression is a dark, lonely place. It sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better. When any kind of mental illness is untreated (medicine, doctors, coping, councilling, whatever "treatment" means to you), there can be a time when you literally have no control or power to change things. It's like if you have a broken leg, I wouldnt expect you to run around the park. BUT, once you get help you do have some control AND some responsibility (i hate to say it). Once your broken leg has been casted, you can start healing that leg, and maybe walk around with crutches. Similarily, when you start treating your mental illness with medication, councilling, cognitive behavioural therapy, meditation/prayer, seeing a doctor and talking with friends (to me treatment is a combination of all these things), you will begin to get better, at which point you are given back some control, some responsibility. YOU are the only who can CHOOSE to get better at that point. If you refuse to take your meds, live in denial of your feelings, hide yourself from friends, you probably won't get better. Your leg has now been casted and you can try walking around with a cast. And eventually the cast can come off!
It's a balance of learning what you can control and what you can't. What is mental illness and what is personality type. I'm on that road right now, and it's a crooked one!
ANYWAYS.... not that I got that off my chest, I have some important things to tell you.
I got a day pass for Saturday! And if I'm feeling good enough I'm allowed to stay at home for Sat night and go to Church on Sunday, but if I feel anxious or anything I can come back here at anytime during my pass.
Next week I'll be here again, with passes to use in the evenings or afternoon and then depending on how all these passes go, we'll look into a full weekend pass, and then talk about discharge.
So basically ONE MORE WEEK, i can do that i can do that i can do that!
So if you'd like to come visit me, PLEASE DO! At this point, my scheduale is wide open, so just facebook or e mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) if you'd like to come. Visiting hours are from 3-4:30 or from 6-8, but this starts to get more flexible next week.
I know I was struggling for a while as to what it looked like for me to be supported, and after coming into Eden, my recent struggles came out and I told everyone how much I was hurting, and then I felt SUPPORT. The main way I feel supported is by the visitors every day. It gives me something to look forward to, I love visitors! Speaking of which, Melissa and Olivia are coming soon! So I should go!