This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Friday 23 November 2012

"I'm in your tears"

I never thought this day would come.
The day when I got admitted back into Eden.
But today it came.

Ryan and I met with a psychiatrist this morning, and after hearing what I've been going through, he strongly recommended I come to Eden Mental Health Centre. We didn't know what to do. We took some time to go and talk about it, and decided with great hesitancy that I would agree to go.

I guess we decided this for these reasons:

-It is not safe for me to be at home and have access to so many harmful things and be left alone for periods of time, when I am tempted to hurt myself.

-I need to go onto some kind of mood stabilizer, and often it is best to be monitored when you begin taking such kinds of medication due to side effects and how quickly you can up the dosage. This can only be done at a place like Eden where they are monitoring you 24/7. If I were to go home, I would go home with a letter of medical recommendation to give to my family doctor, who would then (not knowing a thing about these kinds of drugs) try to help me figure out dosage amounts and the right med for me. I've done that before and it sucks, and it would be likely that I would end up going to Emergency and be submitted to Eden at the end of it all anyways.

-My family needs a break from caring for me.


But I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go home. I want to lay in my own bed. I don't want these florescent lights above my head, I want to nuzzle my face in Lily's fur, and soak in my jacuzzi tub. I want to be with my husband.
I want to get a support group in place and ask the impossible, that people would be willing to sit with me through my evening episodes, to provide support and safety to me, but also to allow Ryan to have some breathing room and a chance for him to get support that he needs. I want to be literally surrounded in prayer by people that I trust and am close with. I don't want to be alone, bored and confined within these cold white walls and plastic floors.
I want to go home.

But I signed a paper, and now I'm stuck here. I feel claustrophobic, trapped, caged. I can't leave.
But I thought I was voluntary? I want out!

Where is Jesus in all of this? I asked Him. He replied with "I'm in your tears"



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