We'll see what comes...

I have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow morning.
It's kinda funny because I've been waiting months for this appointment (for more minor reasons then), and it's only been in the last 3 weeks that it's become so crucial I go.

Right now, I am not on medication for bi-polar. Last week the doctor did get me an anxiety and sleeping pill just to try to help me last till this appt.
For a while I was adamant about not being on any meds because the side effects were soooo bad, it wasn't worth it because the meds weren't doing what they were supposed to do for me anyways.
I guess I just wanted to be able to do this bipolar thing on my own, not rely on meds to keep me going.
But it's just gotten so bad, it's gotten to be a matter of life or death at this point, and I dont even know If I have a choice anymore.
Anyways, the psychiatrist will try to get me to take more drugs (thats their job), and I don't know yet how I will respond, I still don't know what I want.

I also think, he will suggest I be admitted back into Eden for a while because of all my suicidal thoughts and (if i chose the medication route) to get that under control.
Again, I dont know how I will respond, I still don't know what I want.

When these terrible episodes started happening, I begged Ryan and my parents never to send me back to Eden, but as the time went on and I kept having episode after episode after episode, I started to realize we don't have a sustainable system for me NOT to back to Eden. Ryan does practically EVERY part of my care. He works HARD during the day, and comes home to a crazy, debilitated wife who needs constant supervision and support. He is awesome at caring for me, the best husband ever! But he is only human! He is burning out, and so are my parents! And now I can see that maybe it is better for me to go to Eden just because everyone needs a BREAK!

But recently, I've been in conversations about what it would mean to have a support system in place, in Altona, in my HOUSE, so that I can stay home and be supported and allow Ryan to have space and be refilled. I am still not sure what this will look like, but I feel it gives me hope. I am scared to let people into my crisis in very vulnerable ways, very scared, but I need help, I know I do. I am excited and overwhelmed at what this support could look like.

So as I go into that psychiatrist appt tomorrow I do not know what will happen, I do not know what will be suggested or discouraged. I don't even know what to say. But I believe that I will know whats best for me as we talk about potential options. I know myself enough to discern through this....

We'll see what comes....

Asking for good thoughts, prayers, discernments, meditation, or whatever your style is.

OH!
And thanks for all the support through messages, texts, comments...... I may not have the energy to respond to each one, but please know that POSITIVE words HELP ME SO MUCH. I am not able to form positive thoughts often, so for someone to give me some words IT HELPS fill my mind with GOODNESS and then I can hold onto that for a while. So thanks!