This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

gifts, marriage and anxiety

So last night I slept 4 hours in a row, from 12-4 and then from 5-7am! So that's a big improvement! Still not enough, but getting better for sure.
I met with my psychiatrist again today and she is just so understanding and patient. I have to ask a lot of questions that I've asked many times before, because my memory is terrible, but she is so good with it. I got 1-2 hour passes that I can use once each day with family, so that's really good. I've been anticipating what it will be like to leave hospital even for a few hours and be exposed to more triggers. So tonight my parents picked me up and we went for supper and then to Superstore. They spoiled me and bought me some shirts, socks, shampoo and chocolates. Ooooooooo retail therapy! I was disappointed in myself however, because I didn't do so well emotionally. I was extremely irritable, short with my words, and started having anxiety.
 I was very tense.
I thought I would do better.
 It's so sad that the people I love most always get the blunt end of the stick. It's always Ryan and my parents that get the worst side of me. I guess because I'm just most comfortable with them?
 This is something that the psychiatrist and I talked about today as well... the fact that a lot of the time my episodes are set off by Ryan, even though he doesn't do anything wrong. I'm realizing I have a very high need for love and acceptance from Ryan, and it's hard because our love languages are completely different. I have often struggled with feeling unloved and unsatisfied in our marriage, which makes me feel VERY depressed. So that is something I hope to work on while in hospital, and hopefully Ryan and I can be equipped with some helpful coping tools and then set up to do some counselling or something.
It's just hard because talking about my depression and expressing my emotions is something I need to do, and is healthy to do, but I know it gets to be too much for Ryan to handle. So learning when to keep my mouth shut and when to let it out is a process.
If anyone has any marriage advice, I'd welcome your words! :)

This afternoon Bev and Erin (a mother and daughter duo from my church) came to visit. Oh butt they are sweet! They brought me an americano (haha I love it!!) and sticky tack and index cards for me to write inspiration quotes/bible verses on to put up around my room. What a great idea hey?! I'll be honest, it is SO FUN when people come to visit me bearing gifts, haha, it just gets me so excited! Speaking of which, Ryan had flowers delivered to me today! What a sweetie!
Here is a photo (I only have my macbook to take pictures with so bare with me)...

A couple other things Bev, Erin and I discussed....
Why does God let some people go through such SHIT and other people have a relatively seamless life (of course everyone has their ups and downs.... but some people just get bombarded with problem after problem after problem) WHY?! It's not fair!
This question frustrates and confuses me.

Tonight I do not feel at peace. Things are not okay. I am hurting. And I don't have the energy to be positive, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with soaking in my sadness. And I'll leave it at that.

1 comment:

  1. I know I'm a little late on commenting on this one, but I've been busy with the end of school so I just caught up on your posts now! Your thoughts at the end are completely thoughts that I have had in the past while. Why God allows some people to live life like everything is amazing and no trouble exists in the world. Why are teenage girls allowed to get pregnant on a whim and not have any care for a baby while mothers that tried so hard for a child were left with empty arms in the end? It doesn't make sense. The only good thing I can see in it, is the element of strength. You have so much more strength with everything you're going through than some other people. And character. Perhaps lives are more full, people become more themselves when problems arise....i don't know.