I met with my psychiatrist again today and she is just so understanding and patient. I have to ask a lot of questions that I've asked many times before, because my memory is terrible, but she is so good with it. I got 1-2 hour passes that I can use once each day with family, so that's really good. I've been anticipating what it will be like to leave hospital even for a few hours and be exposed to more triggers. So tonight my parents picked me up and we went for supper and then to Superstore. They spoiled me and bought me some shirts, socks, shampoo and chocolates. Ooooooooo retail therapy! I was disappointed in myself however, because I didn't do so well emotionally. I was extremely irritable, short with my words, and started having anxiety.
I was very tense.
I thought I would do better.
It's so sad that the people I love most always get the blunt end of the stick. It's always Ryan and my parents that get the worst side of me. I guess because I'm just most comfortable with them?
This is something that the psychiatrist and I talked about today as well... the fact that a lot of the time my episodes are set off by Ryan, even though he doesn't do anything wrong. I'm realizing I have a very high need for love and acceptance from Ryan, and it's hard because our love languages are completely different. I have often struggled with feeling unloved and unsatisfied in our marriage, which makes me feel VERY depressed. So that is something I hope to work on while in hospital, and hopefully Ryan and I can be equipped with some helpful coping tools and then set up to do some counselling or something.
It's just hard because talking about my depression and expressing my emotions is something I need to do, and is healthy to do, but I know it gets to be too much for Ryan to handle. So learning when to keep my mouth shut and when to let it out is a process.
If anyone has any marriage advice, I'd welcome your words! :)
This afternoon Bev and Erin (a mother and daughter duo from my church) came to visit. Oh butt they are sweet! They brought me an americano (haha I love it!!) and sticky tack and index cards for me to write inspiration quotes/bible verses on to put up around my room. What a great idea hey?! I'll be honest, it is SO FUN when people come to visit me bearing gifts, haha, it just gets me so excited! Speaking of which, Ryan had flowers delivered to me today! What a sweetie!
Here is a photo (I only have my macbook to take pictures with so bare with me)...
A couple other things Bev, Erin and I discussed....
Why does God let some people go through such SHIT and other people have a relatively seamless life (of course everyone has their ups and downs.... but some people just get bombarded with problem after problem after problem) WHY?! It's not fair!
This question frustrates and confuses me.
Tonight I do not feel at peace. Things are not okay. I am hurting. And I don't have the energy to be positive, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with soaking in my sadness. And I'll leave it at that.