As most of you know, I already have a blog. Why would I start a second one do you ask?
Well, I often struggle as to how honest I should be about my personal life on maehandmade, as it is my artistic business, I feel strange sharing personal tidbits on the blog, and yet I yearn to be open and vulnerable. In attempt to keep maehandmade my creative outlet and my job, I have created a second blog only for those whom I am close with, where I can share about my honest struggles and be transparent.
I invite you to walk with me in the day to day struggles I am facing. I will warn you though, this may be a depressing blog to read, if you are entering into my life. There is no obligation to read it. It seems I never know how to answer people questions when they are asked in person because they have no background into my day to day life, so I hope this helps.
These past 2 weeks have been absolutely insane filled with crazy depressive/insane episodes. During the day I am usually okay, dealing with anxiety and mild depression, but I can get back as long as I don't overload my scheduale and take time to relax. But as soon as it gets dark outside I feel my insides changing. I completely change. My depression gets so bad I cant stop crying. And I don't mean "sitting on a chair wiping my eyes with a kleenex crying" I mean "frantic rolling around on the carpet sobbing, howling, crying"
It's like I am going "crazy" or "mad" or "insane". I lose control over my mind and it is SCARY. Ryan will ask me questions "do you want to eat this?" "do you want to watch this?" and I get overwhelmed, I'm not able to answer. I can't make decisions. I overreact to things. I am extremely sensitive. I am mad, confused and resentful as to why this has to happen to me. It's like I am taken over by something so strong, I'm not able to recognize truth or rationality. Thoughts tell me to end my life because I feel it's too painful. I yell at Ryan and my mom and my dad.
The doctors call these "episodes".
As the episdoes calms down, and I am able to become calmer, I realize what I all just did. And I am covered in guilt and shame. I dont want the people I love most to have to see me like this. It's not fair to Ryan to have to have a crazy wife.
I need prayer. I need support. I need a support group. But I don't know how. It's easy to ask for prayer and recieve prayer support. My cell prayed for me this week and I FELT their prayers and actually had a GOOD day with NO episodes. But what does it mean for me to recieve support? I don't want to let people see me like this, it's ugly, it's repulsive, it's shameful. So how do I get support?
It's hard to talk to other people openly and honestly because everyone is dealing with their own crap, or joys, or life events, and I dont want to rain on their parade.
These are just questions and things I am trying to figure out right now.
I have a lot on my mind, but maybe I'll try to save some for tomorrow.