This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Crazy week

This has been quite the crazy week.
A lot has happened that is worth noting....

Last Friday I saw a psychiatrist because I am STILL not feeling better with the current medications and therapy, so he upped my lithium levels and added a different sleeping pill etc etc. I began taking these changes Friday night.... Well during the night on Friday I noticed I had a headache but I was half asleep, and the headache was keeping me from getting REAL sleep. When I woke up fully I realized I had immense pain all throughout my forehead and that my right eye was swollen and brown. I immediately looked up side effects of my new sleeping pill, trazadone, and sure enough, headaches and swollen face amongst many others. The pain was unlike anything I had experienced and I thought I was going to have to go to emergency, but Ryan went to the pharmacy and got some pills that knocked me right out so I couldn't feel the pain. Needless to say, I am not taking trazadone anymore.....

What's been interesting this week is that I've been having some manic symptoms. For me this means talking to myself out loud when I think I'm doing it in my head, talking very fast with pressured speech about random things for long periods of time, DOING lots of things, can't sit still, shaking or tapping a lot, and a lot of irritation and anger outbursts.
The littlest thing could trigger me into anger and I would flip out, smacking a pillow all over the walls, knocking things over, screaming at Ryan and not remembering why etc.
As I began to realize that I was somewhat manic, I began to fear I was going crazy which lead me into depression. And then I entered a mixed state. A mixed state is rare for anyone with bipolar and basically means you are experiencing manic and depressive episodes at the same time. Ugh. That is the worst.

BUT a very good thing did happen, I CALLED FOR HELP! Ryan was home for lunch and I was sobbing, freaking out that I was crazy, whilst talking a mile a minute about anything that came to mind. Without thinking about it much, I picked up the phone and called my most trusted friend Jenny and asked if she could come over. She was over in minutes.
This is the first time I have asked for help from someone other than my parents or Ryan. NO ONE else has ever seen me in an episode, until Jenny. She was so calm, listened to my crazy rants intently, didn't treat me as if I was a child, gave feedback when needed, comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy and totally calmed me down!!!!
This was a crazy big step for me, because I am always so afraid of people seeing me like that, and I never want to burden anyone. But Jenny is awesome, oh heavens I love her so much.

Lastly, just this evening, I attended a conference with our church. Another huge deal, because i havent been in a public group setting in a loooong time. I hate groups, and I hate small talk. But Ryan was running the espresso bar, so I mainly just stood behind the counter trying to look busy so people wouldn't talk to me, lol. And then when the teach started I sat in the back on the floor so I could wiggle and have space. Anyways, the song 'you're my healer' was being played and I just started crying....

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need" I wasn't buying it. 'You calm my raging seas'? No, you don't!
'You heal all my disease' No, you don't. In fact you keeping giving me MORE problems.
'I trust in you' This hit me hard. No, I don't trust you anymore. This is sad for me. I don't trust Jesus? No, that can't be. But it is, deep within my heart I found this resentment and doubt in Jesus.

Not sure where this will go from here. I guess I have some battles to duke out. Whatever that means.

It's 3:30 AM and I haven't slept yet. Can you say manic?!

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