A lot of people have been asking how I have been doing lately, so I thought it was time for an update post.
Basically to sum up the past month or so, I have felt like people were saying to me (whether its true or not) that I was TOO emotional, I was TOO sensitive, I was TOO angry, I was TOO much..... so I shut off my emotions, or at least that's what it looked like to the outside world. Suddenly, people thought I was doing healthier, getting better, more functional. They were seeing what they wanted to see, and I was giving it to them. In therapy, my therapist talks about over control and under control; both are not healthy states of mind. In under control you get those strong coming out in inappropriate ways or situations and it feels like you have no control over your emotions, they just consume you. But in over control (which usually happens when someone is feeling like they are "too much"), you start numbing your emotions. The emotions are still there, but you ignore them and pretend they are not there. Unfortunately it is like a pop bottle being shook up, eventually the lid will pop off....
This has been my life lately, the lid of the bottle is beginning to pop off every now and then and it's a real challenge. When the lid pops open, the emotions feel much more intense and dangerous. I've been having suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm. I don't even know what to do about that! I don't know where to find peace or calm or stability. I try to go to my meeting place with Jesus, but I'm not able to find any peace and calm there.
There is a quote that my friend Jadyn (shout out!) shared with me, that I have been clinging too. It brings me peace and hope and a quiet stillness within my spirit and I will share it with you now.....
" I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I HAVE LIVED PAIN, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in the solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world" Anne Voskamp
This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.
This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.