I don't even know what to write anymore.
Things are just bumpy, inconsistent. I can't say I'm doing good. I can't say I'm doing bad. I had a great weekend with great people, but an awful Monday evening. Anxiety is still building, but creativity is flowing.
It's such an eb and flow, I never know what to expect.
I'm finding myself comparing my journey to others who experience suffering, and end up frustrated that I can't will this away. That I can't just make up my mind to be happy, because I want to. And I try, which only makes things worse because it doesn't work. You'd think I would KNOW this already, but it's so hard. I feel alone in my illness, when everyone around me isn't struggling with this. I feel alone.
I said I would update you on some recent paintings. This one is a commission piece I did for some close friends. It is called "soft balance" and is all about finding balance in life. Whether that be work and home, rest and play, romance and friendship, mania and depression. Balance.
What a big word. The white splatters represent all the chaos and noise going on around us that make it so hard to achieve the balance that is underneath it all, waiting to be found, to be seen.
The first picture is a progression series and the second is "soft balance" in it's new home.
This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.
This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.