This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Monday 3 December 2012

hobble around the house

So I know you're all itching to hear how the weekend went, but I'm not sure what to say really. It wasn't wonderful, but it wasn't terrible. I had a very structured and strategic weekend planned out, so that probably helped, but it wasn't like what I had pictured in my head.
I ended up having to fake a lot of happiness, which is super energy draining.
Why do I feel like I need to fake happiness?
When people come visit me at Eden, I know I can just BE. I don't feel like I have to come across one certain way, and people are able to CONNECT that I may seem sad or cry because I'm in the hospital. It's clear that I have bipolar and that's why Im sad. But when I'm visiting at someone's house, or having people over, there is a DISCONNECT because they're not seeing me in the hospital and they forget what I'm dealing with. I think people want to see me happy and cheerful. If I were to just BE the way I was feeling, it would be awkward. You don't just go to someone's house and be all sad and "down". So I fake being happy. Sometimes. Not all the time.
It's like if I had a broken leg, would I try to pretend that it's not broken and hobble around the house? Why would I do that? That's stupid. Mental health is so confusing that way. Why do I feel like I need to "hobble around the house" pretending I'm not experiencing what I'm experiencing.
The ironic thing is... that when people come visit me at Eden and I feel comfortable enough to show my sadness, I end up experiencing the most genuine JOY. And when I'm home, trying to be happy for other people, I end up experiencing the most SADNESS.
Can I be REAL in front of you? Even if it's awkward? Even if it's not "pretty"?

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