This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

listening prayer

A lot of you have been asking for more details about my listening prayer time, so I thought I'd highlight for you some key things that arose during that time...

-I saw the word "constant". Jesus said His love and Presence is constant.

-Jesus led me to a wheat field. It was warm outside and there was a cool breeze, it was quiet and vast. I was standing slightly inside the field, but mainly on the outer edge. I felt Jesus in the air around me. As I breathed in the air I felt Jesus filling my bloodstream, it felt tingly, like medicine. This was interesting, because the lithium medication I'm on can be measured to see if it's effective by how much is in my blood. 

-Then I heard Jesus say "I'm in it" and we asked Him what that meant. He said "I'm in ALL of it" and I got a picture of Him in every part of my bloodstream. That's how close He is.

-After asking Jesus more questions, I was brought back to the wheat field from the start, but it was different this time. It was still, nothing was moving around from the wind like before, and the sun was setting (I JUST REALIZED... a mantra I've been meditating on for the past 2 days is 'the sun must set to rise'..... AND, the connection of the sunset image to my painting that I did a few weeks back.... just realized that now.... goosebumps). ANYWAYS.... I then I felt eager to go into the middle of the field, so I did, and I lay down. All my eyes could see was wheat surrounding me, and then the open sky above me. There was a circle on top of my vision circling the wheat, and another circle on top of my vision circling the sky. Two circles, one inside the other. I was represented by the larger circle that was in the wheat. God showed me that the wheat is the harvest; it has to bloom and die again and again. The circle in the sky represented God. God is like the sky, always constant, always there. 

-Lastly, I had some imagery of a box that was labeled 'fear'. God stomped on my box of fear, but after He stomped on the box, it didn't look all crumpled and damaged, instead it looked like a completely new, unfolded box (like those boxes you fold together for Operation Christmas Child or something) He turned my fear into something that is useful. This new box was labeled "gift", but it wasn't for me. I felt like I was supposed to give this gift to other people. A box full of ribboned bows. I felt excited because I actually had something to give when I felt so depleted. 

Wow, I was just re reading this now, and it's amazing how much MORE this means to me now. I can see so many connections to other parts of my life, that I now see are actually connected to this prayer time.....  

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