This is a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed spring of 2011 and was admitted into a mental health hospital a month before my wedding. I struggled greatly for the next year and a half going on and off meds, experimenting with different forms of therapy and was readmitted to the hospital at the end of 2012. Since then I have been learning how to re-live my life. Seeing a wise, supportive, kind therapist once a week and emerging myself into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy are 2 of many ways that are helping me recover. I have found deep comfort and much strength in mindfulness practices, taught to me from DBT.

This blog is my way of allowing you to see into the life of someone who suffers from bipolar, depression and extreme anxiety. I want to own my story, and help defeat the stigma. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, or learn more about mental illness through the writings of my blog.

Friday, 14 December 2012

sobbing with me

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly" Matthew 11:28-30

 I feel like I've been doing so much mental/emotional/spiritual work lately. For the past few days I've been fighting a battle from morning till night working to avoid an episode, working to get better, working to be healthy, working on my marriage. And it's exhausting. Dar challenged me yesterday to invite Jesus into the work. The verse above is from The Message, but in other versions it says "My yolk is easy and my burden is light". She explained to me that the word "yolk" actually refers to that metal brace that goes on an ox to plow a field or something. Jesus is saying that with him, the work is easy. It doesn't feel heavy or ill-fitting. 

The past few days have been R.O.U.G.H. Last night was dark, very dark. My parents had to come over and calm me down and take care of me. And then today there were some errands that I had to run, and I was trying to prep my mind all morning to go out of the house. But I was afraid. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and didn't want to start crying in public. I didn't have the strength to go to IGA. But I did. And it was ugly. I was in IGA and felt so disorientated. My anxiety was so high, I had to lean on the shopping cart so that I wouldn't fall over. I was overwhelmed with all the options of apples and baking supplies. I forgot where the eggs were, I couldn't find the damn eggs! When I got to my car, I just broke down and started having a panic attack. Luckily my dad has just texted me, so I thought of calling him for help. He came, drove me home, brought my groceries inside and comforted me until I calmed down. 
I did get a call from a doctor last evening that apparently my last blood test showed that my lithium levels WENT DOWN instead of up. With lithium, there has to be a specific amount of it in your blood for it to effective. It's not even close to being effective now, so it's like I'm not on any medication for my bipolar right now! I was so discouraged to hear this, because now I have to wait even longer for my new higher dosage of lithium to kick in and start HELPING ME!

Last night when things were so dark, my mom ran me a bath and I was laying in the tub and was just so sad, I couldn't stop sobbing, and so I asked Jesus "Where are you? Where are you right now?" and I saw Him with his arms wrapped around me, sobbing with me. 

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