Today has been hard. I didn't DO anything. I thought a day of resting would be good because I've been so tired lately, but it's been more depressing than anything else. Ryan is working A LOT (like from 8am -10pm), so I'm home alone all day. It kinda blows.
As the evening progressed, I started to get more and more depressed. I have this basket in my room where I keep all my old meds that I'm no longer on. So I went up to my room, grabbed all the bottles of old meds (probably like 5 bottles filled with a variety of pills, dating back to 2010!), looked at them, held them in my hands, and then flushed them all down the toilet. I wasn't feeling suicidal at that moment, but I knew I needed to get rid of those pills. I've kept holding onto them just in case I wanted to end my life one day, that sounds super morbid, but it's the truth. They were like a safety net for me. So I got rid of them.
I'm going to need to make some major lifestyle changes. No more days doing nothing and being alone for the entire day. No more drinking alcohol when I'm alone. Enforcing a very strict bedtime etc etc. Now I'm starting to get worried about all of next week, having to keep myself busy with non stressful events and people I feel comfortable with. Although I was diagnosed with bipolar 1.5 years ago, I feel like it's all new and I have so much to adjust to. I feel like my whole life has to change, and that overwhelms me, having to revamp almost every area of my life. One day at a time I guess. One day at a time.